“I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times.”
It has been a good two months since I felt lost. I really don’t know how to define it. Depressed? People don’t take that word seriously anymore. You don’t take it seriously anymore. Of course, what else can I expect? I’ve been the girl who cried suicide. I’ve been that girl even before you knew me. It just gets worse. And every time it feels like there’s no way out. Same shit, different day.
So what should I call it? To me, it’s the dark days. The bad days. It’s when I hit my pit. When I spiral down. I just want to numb everything. Why can’t you be here and be numb with me?
“You have given me the greatest possible happiness.”
Yet I’m certain that you’re just a dream. An illusion I made to have something to look forward to. You got mad when I told you because you thought it was an insult. No, of course it wasn’t. It was the greatest compliment I could ever give you. You. You give me hope. I wake up everyday telling myself that it’s one day nearer to the day I get to see you.
Now everything just feels like a dream. Like I’m just kidding myself. It’s certainly not possible, is it? That we can return back to the way we were. That given all these heartaches and hardship I experience early in life, I get to have a happy ending with you. We both know that’s not true.
“I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know.”
It’s merely a few months now until you get to come back, right? Would you forgive me if ever… if I can’t wait? I just want to stop feeling this way and I know that’s not possible. These dark days. It will always come back. And it will be darker and darker every time. I can’t promise that I will be here when you come back. I’m falling deeper into my pit and one day, I won’t be able to come back up. I will drown in my own misery.
But you, you were not meant to deal with me. You are the best person I know and you will pull through this. You will have a brighter future without me tainting it with my darkness. You will achieve your dreams and I won’t have to be there and be your hindrance. You’re better off without me.
“I begin to hear voices and I can’t concentrate.”
How will I explain this to you? Imagine all our dreams, our goals in front of you. In its majestic glory. Traveling together, having a big house together. You being there in my (finally!) college graduation. Our wedding.
Now, imagine all those things, being broken like glass or even lego pieces. Everything falls apart. Then try to be positive. Put together all those lego pieces back where they belong. Every time you’re close to finally putting it back together again, it just falls back down. You try everything. You think of every possible way to make sure it won’t fall back but it does. It happens over and over again until you just stop trying. That’s how this feels.
Even when I feel like I have put my life together again, like these past 2 months, it just falls back down. I call to you, to my only hope. But you’re kilometers away from me. And I can’t reach you. Nobody pulls me up. And someday, I will drown on this loneliness. I just hope you’re back in time to save me.
“What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me, it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life anymore.
I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”
One day, my dear. One day, when all is really lost, I might have the courage to finally end this once and for all. Give me the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve read this. And that someone finally understood.
**Quotes from Virginia Woolf’s Suicide Letter to Her Husband