Day 2 – Something I feel strongly about

Day 2 – Something you feel strongly about

 

Well, this is hard… I guess, I feel strongly about three different things especially right now. These are things that should be given light considering how Filipinos can be.

First up is the rape culture here in the Philippines.

As a woman living in an urban city, I am not a stranger to cat calls, creepy commuters and drug-addled homeless people. I live in Quezon City and went to Manila for college. I commute everyday and one of my biggest fears was being touched or just getting attention from men in jeepneys or while walking. I’m also not a stranger to pervy relatives. I’ve had officemates who have very twisted perception regarding women and their place in society.

One of my officemates once joked about another officemate (woman) how she just looks oh-so-innocent but she probably had a dirty personality and just playing hard to get. I was positively livid when I heard him say that. It was not right in so many levels. This is the same officemate who also informed me that women should just be used to their boyfriends/husbands cheating because it’s a man’s nature.

I was mad, of course. But I was also told how I ‘overreacted’ because he was just kidding. I think that people should take rape more seriously because it is a seriously traumatic experience. I wasn’t raped but I had first-hand experience with perverts who deserve some jail time. It’s not funny when it happens to you. It’s not funny as a joke. It’s not a laughing matter at all.

Rape can happen everywhere. There is seriously no safe haven when it comes to these things. Once something happens to you, it changes how you see people, how you act around everyone.

Second would be bullying/cyberbullying.

Oh my gosh. I don’t even know how many times I’ve been bullied or even cyberbullied. This matter literally made me want to die several times in my 20 years of life.

Perhaps one day I’ll be comfortable enough to lay down the details here in my blog. What I can say right now is that I was bullied when I was in elementary. I was (without sounding too boastful lol) pretty. You know, the ideal thin girl, with the pretty smile and all that crap. I was a source of insecurity by people around me. I was bullied because I was that person. I’ve received hate mails from that website ask.fm so I had to stay away from that site. Fake Facebook accounts message me or my boyfriend telling crazy things about me and trying to drive us apart. (didn’t work so suck on that)

I got wider and fatter back in the last year of high school but I guess I maintained being pretty. (still not sounding boastful lol) I was bullied in college for wearing make-up, having a boyfriend and failing my class. I am being bullied most days because of my weight now. You just can’t satisfy people *rolls eyes*

Yes, sometimes you just have to let people be and not care about what they think. Easy to say, but pretty hard to do. You get affected. Period. You will be affected no matter how you say that you don’t care.

Is there something wrong with me? I don’t think so. It’s their perception of me that’s wrong but of course, it’s still somewhat my fault. I had to make adjustments even when I know I shouldn’t.

I’m pretty traumatized by bullying. It changed me from being a cheerful, friendly person to someone who observes her surroundings first before being able to decide if I can be myself in the place or not.

And I want to raise awareness as to how it could affect people being bullied. As well as awareness for parents, role models, educators. This has to stop.

For both the rape culture and bullying issues, victims should be able to speak up. Behaviours like these cannot be tolerated. It has to be corrected.

 

Last would be mental health awareness in the Philippines.

When you go to Ayala cinemas, you’ll see an advertisement regarding signing a petition to have the legislative government prioritize mental health laws in the country.

I can’t tell you the statistics but I’m pretty sure we know some people we think have mental health problems. I think I have a mental health issue.

Is it diagnosed? No. I don’t have money to have myself diagnosed by psychiatrist nor does my health insurance covers it. I’m sure others have the same story.

A lot of people choose to end their life because of life’s hardships and people won’t just be driven to that point if they receive the help they need. Older generations will laugh this off or even chalk it up to laziness or stubbornness. That’s the sad part.

We had to sign a petition for the senate and the congress to pay attention to such an alarming case. It’s so effin’ sad.

I want to be diagnosed. I want the government to have the resources for me to do this. Filipinos should be aware how important mental health is and how it affects our daily lives.

 

These are some things I feel strongly about. I would certainly educate myself more about these issues and how I can help others. I’ll keep you posted!

Day 1 – Five Ways to Win My Heart

  1. Love what I love.

No matter how ordinary that gets, it’s the truth. I can’t categorize myself as an introvert nor an extrovert. I simply does not fit the description of those two. I’m somewhat both and I’m also not.

I have lots of things I get obsessed about and sometimes there are no connection with these things. I’m a random with a pattern (I also don’t know how that’s possible). So it’s almost impossible to find someone who likes the same things as I do. It’s a sure way to win my heart.

  1. Be there for me.

I can be emotional and crazy at times. And I just need someone who will not fix the situation for me (no matter how I beg you to, please don’t. I want the sitch fix on a certain way, and that will probably only be my way. I just need someone to listen and probably offer suggestions. Just be there.

  1. Know me.

As I previously mentioned, I am a pretty complicated person. I lose touch with friends because I am crappy at keeping in touch. Sometimes, I think about contacting you but never really go through with it because I realize that I like being alone better. (No offense to you, of course! Just the way I am!)

Have the patience and the willingness to get to know me. I may not show it everyday or most of the time, I do appreciate it.

  1. Tell me when I’m wrong. Be honest with me.

They say that honesty is the best policy and I have to agree! I get crazy and sometimes I step on the line between good and bad. A way to my heart is not just letting me be myself (experience is the best teacher, maybe sometimes let me learn by myself?), if you know that what I’m doing is wrong, kindly warn me.

I have experienced this several times and I would prefer if someone is honest with me. Truth hurts. I know that. And I would very much choose truth over something that is a façade or a lie. Make a mistake, that’s okay with me. Just always tell me the truth. Keeping things can create a gap and that’s not certainly the way to my heart.

  1. Let me love what you love. Let me be there for you. Let me know you. Let me tell you what’s wrong. Allow me to be honest with you.

A relationship or friendship is a two-way street and this is how we’re going to be close to one another. I’m willing if you’re willing?

I want to get to know people that I allow to be close to me.

I know that I’m not an easy person. And I probably attract difficult people too. I understand that it’s going to be a bumpy road but for sure, a lasting relationship is worth it, right?

Dearest

“I feel certain I am going mad again.  I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times.”

It has been a good two months since I felt lost. I really don’t know how to define it. Depressed? People don’t take that word seriously anymore. You don’t take it seriously anymore. Of course, what else can I expect? I’ve been the girl who cried suicide. I’ve been that girl even before you knew me. It just gets worse. And every time it feels like there’s no way out. Same shit, different day.

So what should I call it? To me, it’s the dark days. The bad days. It’s when I hit my pit. When I spiral down. I just want to numb everything. Why can’t you be here and be numb with me?

“You have given me the greatest possible happiness.”

Yet I’m certain that you’re just a dream. An illusion I made to have something to look forward to.  You got mad when I told you because you thought it was an insult. No, of course it wasn’t. It was the greatest compliment I could ever give you. You. You give me hope. I wake up everyday telling myself that it’s one day nearer to the day I get to see you.

Now everything just feels like a dream. Like I’m just kidding myself. It’s certainly not possible, is it? That we can return back to the way we were. That given all these heartaches and hardship I experience early in life, I get to have a happy ending with you. We both know that’s not true.

“I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know.”

It’s merely a few months now until you get to come back, right? Would you forgive me if ever… if I can’t wait? I just want to stop feeling this way and I know that’s not possible. These dark days. It will always come back. And it will be darker and darker every time. I can’t promise that I will be here when you come back. I’m falling deeper into my pit and one day, I won’t be able to come back up. I will drown in my own misery.

But you, you were not meant to deal with me. You are the best person I know and you will pull through this. You will have a brighter future without me tainting it with my darkness. You will achieve your dreams and I won’t have to be there and be your hindrance. You’re better off without me.

“I begin to hear voices and I can’t concentrate.”

How will I explain this to you? Imagine all our dreams, our goals in front of you. In its majestic glory. Traveling together, having a big house together. You being there in my (finally!) college graduation. Our wedding.

Now, imagine all those things, being broken like glass or even lego pieces. Everything falls apart. Then try to be positive. Put together all those lego pieces back where they belong. Every time you’re close to finally putting it back together again, it just falls back down. You try everything. You think of every possible way to make sure it won’t fall back but it does. It happens over and over again until you just stop trying. That’s how this feels.

Even when I feel like I have put my life together again, like these past 2 months, it just falls back down. I call to you, to my only hope. But you’re kilometers away from me. And I can’t reach you. Nobody pulls me up. And someday, I will drown on this loneliness. I just hope you’re back in time to save me.

“What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me, it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life anymore.

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

One day, my dear. One day, when all is really lost, I might have the courage to finally end this once and for all. Give me the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve read this. And that someone finally understood.

–Niah

**Quotes from Virginia Woolf’s Suicide Letter to Her Husband

 

 

 

Boycott December

December, for most people, has always been something to look forward too. Year-end bonuses, the holidays, reunions.

Well, I’ve never been one to celebrate the last month of the year.

For me, it has always been the worst of those twelve months.

There’s the bonuses where will make you spend a lot of money and then feel incredibly guilty afterwards.

The holidays which left a lot of opportunity for space. In my case, that means space for cheating, for thinking of how I failed the first eleven months of the year and most importantly, for thinking if this is still what I wanted to do spend my time on next year.

And that has always been a bad thing.

So I propose a boycott for this awful month starting December 2017.

December, I will be ready for you next year and I’ll sure enough turn this month around for good.

 

 

Drabble #3

​Once upon a time I fell in love with the idea of you

Finally someone who understands my darkness, my loneliness

We had the same situation and I thought you were it.

I said I was starting to like you

I meant to say I like the idea of us

You didn’t like me back. I said it was okay but it wasn’t. 
Turns out I didn’t like you

You were not the person I created in my head

We were not the same

You liked the attention I gave you but too coward,

Too emotionally available to give any commitment
I’m glad I realized it early

That two dark souls will never compliment each other

I can be your friend but I guess that’s all there is

My darkness deserves some light

And you are not the one who gave me the sun

Drabble #2

All I Know
I can still remember it clear as day

We were talking and she walked towards you

Hugged you like I wasn’t there

Like I was a nobody worth acknowledging

All I know is you were there and you did nothing

I can’t pinpoint as to where it went wrong. 

Was it something I did?

Was it something I didn’t do?

All I know is one day we were getting to know each other

The next day you were cold as ice

You’re a puzzle I can’t seem to figure out

Did you really like me? 

Did I make a mark on you like you did on me?

All I know is you let me feel I was not worth it

You didn’t fight for me so I did not do the same for you

You were not who I thought you were

Somewhere in the middle you’ve changed 

Now I know, I don’t deserve any of what you gave me

I am not a backup plan and definitely not a second choice.

You did not choose me so you lost me.