LDR and How it Feels

It’s like the weather nowadays. We wake up to a gloomy weather, without the sunrise. I’m robbed off my light. My bright, sun. 

It’s a train ride and we’re currently going through a long, dark tunnel. We can see the light at the end. It’s there but still too far. Everything just feels dull and dark. 

It’s wanting to tell each other even the smallest event that happened today and being disappointed when we can’t even finish a phone call.

It’s like being in a long, black and white mime commercial and I just can’t wait for my favorite show to come back on. 

It’s counting everyday that passed, thinking of what we could have done together that day instead of being away from each other. 

It’s crying alone instead of having his arm around you, consoling you. 

It’s praying for atleast the comfort of knowing you’re only half an hour from me instead of a plane ride away. 

It’s seeing those must-visit places and thinking it’s not worth time if we don’t go together. 

It’s sad. It’s depressing. It’s one boring, pathetic phase. But it’s not forever. 

I miss you. I love you. 

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I Should’ve Listened

I should’ve listened to my friends when they said you were bad for me but I only minded how good you made me feel with the attention you’re giving me. Oh how a message from you can make my heart beat faster! How quick it can change my mood from grumpy to cheerful! I won’t forget the day we first met about the story you told me how your heart got broken. By then, I committed to making you happy again.

 

I should’ve listened to them when they said, “Don’t believe him!” but all I can think of is how amazing it feels to hear you say my name. How sad it made me feel to hear you say you miss me. There were never any hesitation. I ran to your side and I’ve offered you my shoulder to cry on. I longed for you because I thought you felt the same.

 

I ignored my friends when they told me, “I told you so” after I caught you with another. You broke my heart. But you said you’ll change and I believed you so. I think of you day and night. I wonder what you were doing. I gave what I could. Yet at times like this I find myself asking, “Is it not enough? Am I not enough?” I doubted myself and fell into a dark pit. I did the thing I said I wouldn’t do. I compared myself to others. What is it that I don’t have? Why am I not enough?

 

I should’ve listened to them but I’m glad I didn’t. You showed me who you really are. You made me realize that the person I created inside my head and the person in front of me, is not the same. I made you who I wanted you to be. We were supposed to be perfect but it was just a dream.

 

One day, I’ll realize I needed to not listen. I needed to see the real you to break the spell you had in me. You told that story to make me fall. You kept me in your hooks and led me on. You didn’t give me the commitment that I need to make me yearn for it. You made feel like I was worth less that I was so I would crave your validation.

 

The spell will be broken and I will see clearly. I wasn’t attached to you. I was attached to the person I thought was you. I am valid. And I’m certainly worth more than you will ever see.

 

@hey_itsehl! Remember what we said: You’ve always known what to do. And self love!

 

 

Dearest

“I feel certain I am going mad again.  I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times.”

It has been a good two months since I felt lost. I really don’t know how to define it. Depressed? People don’t take that word seriously anymore. You don’t take it seriously anymore. Of course, what else can I expect? I’ve been the girl who cried suicide. I’ve been that girl even before you knew me. It just gets worse. And every time it feels like there’s no way out. Same shit, different day.

So what should I call it? To me, it’s the dark days. The bad days. It’s when I hit my pit. When I spiral down. I just want to numb everything. Why can’t you be here and be numb with me?

“You have given me the greatest possible happiness.”

Yet I’m certain that you’re just a dream. An illusion I made to have something to look forward to.  You got mad when I told you because you thought it was an insult. No, of course it wasn’t. It was the greatest compliment I could ever give you. You. You give me hope. I wake up everyday telling myself that it’s one day nearer to the day I get to see you.

Now everything just feels like a dream. Like I’m just kidding myself. It’s certainly not possible, is it? That we can return back to the way we were. That given all these heartaches and hardship I experience early in life, I get to have a happy ending with you. We both know that’s not true.

“I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know.”

It’s merely a few months now until you get to come back, right? Would you forgive me if ever… if I can’t wait? I just want to stop feeling this way and I know that’s not possible. These dark days. It will always come back. And it will be darker and darker every time. I can’t promise that I will be here when you come back. I’m falling deeper into my pit and one day, I won’t be able to come back up. I will drown in my own misery.

But you, you were not meant to deal with me. You are the best person I know and you will pull through this. You will have a brighter future without me tainting it with my darkness. You will achieve your dreams and I won’t have to be there and be your hindrance. You’re better off without me.

“I begin to hear voices and I can’t concentrate.”

How will I explain this to you? Imagine all our dreams, our goals in front of you. In its majestic glory. Traveling together, having a big house together. You being there in my (finally!) college graduation. Our wedding.

Now, imagine all those things, being broken like glass or even lego pieces. Everything falls apart. Then try to be positive. Put together all those lego pieces back where they belong. Every time you’re close to finally putting it back together again, it just falls back down. You try everything. You think of every possible way to make sure it won’t fall back but it does. It happens over and over again until you just stop trying. That’s how this feels.

Even when I feel like I have put my life together again, like these past 2 months, it just falls back down. I call to you, to my only hope. But you’re kilometers away from me. And I can’t reach you. Nobody pulls me up. And someday, I will drown on this loneliness. I just hope you’re back in time to save me.

“What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me, it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life anymore.

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

One day, my dear. One day, when all is really lost, I might have the courage to finally end this once and for all. Give me the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve read this. And that someone finally understood.

–Niah

**Quotes from Virginia Woolf’s Suicide Letter to Her Husband