Falling Apart

How do you know when you are falling apart? What exactly should you look for to know you’re on that stage?

I also don’t know. What I know is that I feel like I am. 

I am 20 years old and this is probably an overstatement but looking at how things haven’t been going the way I want it to be, it sure feels like it. 

I was supposed to graduate at 19 years old. 15-year-old me was always daydreaming how I will graduate before I reach 20 and become an educator or a writer like I always planned. 

Then shit happened. Unemployment hit both my mom and dad a year apart forcing me to find a job and abandon college. 

Then I had the alternative plan: excel at this call center job and perhaps be promoted. A salary raise would mean I could probably afford to pay my tuition debts and be back to school. 

And then shit happened ofcourse. I just couldn’t keep tardiness away. I’m good at what I do so I know it’s the only thing keeping me away from a promotion. 

I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Hypothyroidism took that away from me too. I gained 10 pounds over 2017 and all I hear from everyone I see is how I’ve gotten heavier. 

I don’t even try explaining anymore how there’s nothing changed on how I eat, that it’s just my body has a slower metabolism than before due to hypothyroidism. They would suggest exercising which, if you have the same illness that I have would be impossible at times, seeing how hard it is to breathe properly just walking. 

No one understands and it’s just so fucking hard. I loved how I looked and how I weighed last year. I would look at the mirror and not be grossed out by what I’m seeing. Now, I’m just so uncomfortable on how I look I won’t even spend a whole minute looking on the mirror. I don’t see my reflection as myself. 

I know that some of what’s happening to me is my fault. Other things might be karma for what I did in the past but I’m tired falling apart. 

Now, either I give up or I start getting back up. I don’t think I’m ready to give up just yet. I will fix what I can and accept what I can’t change and just hope that the universe will be in my favor once again. 

According to Teen Wolf, no matter how things can go so bad or so good, it would always go back to the middle. They coined it as ‘regression to the mean’. 

I’m ready for everything to go back to the middle. 

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Author: niahespiritu

20 | Quezon City, PH | slydeer from asianfanfics.com

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