Ask me @

I don’t know who reads or even checks out my blog especially that this is a personal blog but if you have questions for me.. 

Ask me @ https://curiouscat.me/niahespiritu 

Last time I had one of these (formspring), I had an anti club send me mean messages so please be nice this time. Haha! 

Oh yea, I should write about my bullying experiences sometimes. 

Falling Apart

How do you know when you are falling apart? What exactly should you look for to know you’re on that stage?

I also don’t know. What I know is that I feel like I am. 

I am 20 years old and this is probably an overstatement but looking at how things haven’t been going the way I want it to be, it sure feels like it. 

I was supposed to graduate at 19 years old. 15-year-old me was always daydreaming how I will graduate before I reach 20 and become an educator or a writer like I always planned. 

Then shit happened. Unemployment hit both my mom and dad a year apart forcing me to find a job and abandon college. 

Then I had the alternative plan: excel at this call center job and perhaps be promoted. A salary raise would mean I could probably afford to pay my tuition debts and be back to school. 

And then shit happened ofcourse. I just couldn’t keep tardiness away. I’m good at what I do so I know it’s the only thing keeping me away from a promotion. 

I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Hypothyroidism took that away from me too. I gained 10 pounds over 2017 and all I hear from everyone I see is how I’ve gotten heavier. 

I don’t even try explaining anymore how there’s nothing changed on how I eat, that it’s just my body has a slower metabolism than before due to hypothyroidism. They would suggest exercising which, if you have the same illness that I have would be impossible at times, seeing how hard it is to breathe properly just walking. 

No one understands and it’s just so fucking hard. I loved how I looked and how I weighed last year. I would look at the mirror and not be grossed out by what I’m seeing. Now, I’m just so uncomfortable on how I look I won’t even spend a whole minute looking on the mirror. I don’t see my reflection as myself. 

I know that some of what’s happening to me is my fault. Other things might be karma for what I did in the past but I’m tired falling apart. 

Now, either I give up or I start getting back up. I don’t think I’m ready to give up just yet. I will fix what I can and accept what I can’t change and just hope that the universe will be in my favor once again. 

According to Teen Wolf, no matter how things can go so bad or so good, it would always go back to the middle. They coined it as ‘regression to the mean’. 

I’m ready for everything to go back to the middle. 

Eclipse

How does the sun find the strength to rise every morning even though it only gets to see the moon in passing?” –LT

 

As they say, it’s the same shit, different day. She swiped the screen of her mobile phone to stop her alarm. She groaned, begging the universe for five more minutes before she has to face another day.

Don’t get her wrong. Her work sucks as much as the next girl but she has great workmates turn friends. People who she can count on and people she spends her days and nights with.

It has become such a routine for over a year. Bathe, choose from her limited selection of clothes, if she didn’t oversleep, she’ll have time to do her make up (which was fewer and fewer these days).

She’ll take the commute like a robot programmed to do this route five times a week.

Most days she’ll get a good work station, a lucky one even. She’ll drink her coffee at the start of her shift and in the middle of working, she will find time to socialize with friends.

She’ll count herself lucky. Not every aspect of the production floor is perfect but it’s hard to find trustworthy fellows in this kind of environment. She should know. She’d been fooled once or twice.

She’s been known an observer. She would notice things most of her friends wouldn’t. For her, it’s both a gift and a curse. Nevertheless, it comes in handy.

Like during eclipses.

It’s what she calls those moments when in very rare times, the sun meets the moon in a short period of time. When the world around would stop, and it would just those two entities that would matter.

It’s both happiness and sadness. Happiness over that millisecond their lives touched and sadness that it couldn’t be more than that.

For her, the sadness would always win. But it’s better than nothing.

What is it they say? It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

She sees it on the floor almost everyday. And not everyone notices.

She knows of a girl who is yearning for someone to call her own. Of a girl who wants the innocent, old school relationship. She knows of a girl’s pain when someone took advantage of that vulnerability and twisted it to a temporary kind of bliss.

She would feel that pang of confusion and sadness the girl feels every time the girl turns pale whenever he’s near. When he greets her in the corridor and she has to pretend it didn’t bother her. A lost girl in her eclipse.

Now, she knows of a girl learning her lesson. She knows of a girl who is now aware that she deserves more. She knows of a girl who will not settle for less.

And now it’s time for some story telling..

Once upon a time, a princess gave everything for her prince. Her kingdom, her gold, her life. But for the prince, it wasn’t enough. Sadly, it has never been enough. He would leave for trips and tell the princess it was for him to be able to find himself.

Every time he leaves, the prince would come back with a maiden from another kingdom. He would flaunt it to the princess. He would apologize and because the princess didn’t know better back then, she would forgive and welcome him back with open arms.

Our little observer met the princess during the dark ages. When the wound was still fresh, and our princess would often cry herself to sleep. When the prince and Snow White walked around the kingdom showing off their relationship, she cannot imagine what the princess felt.

She cannot imagine how hard it is for the princess to wake up every morning knowing that when she arrives to the floor, she would see Snow White and her prince together.

She would marvel at how brave the princess is becoming. She would wonder how this princess can endure this long, dark eclipse looming over her. And she would say how proud she is of the princess, despite everything she had to encounter everyday, she held her head up high like the queen she is.

 

She would shake her head. How silly is this? But those were just two of maybe a hundred of eclipses happening around her. It was two of those she cares most about.

These are solar eclipses. Where despite the darkness that tries to block their light, it will end the sun looking more majestic than ever. The lost girl and the broken princess would come out of this. And they would find someone who would let them shine.

The shift ends as the clock strikes one. Everyone would retire to the locker room, tired and ready for rest.

The observer would grab her ringing mobile phone as the screen flashes a picture of her sun and her, together. She’ll answer the call. And upon hearing a simple hello from the other line, her eclipse would start and her heart would skip a beat.

Happiness for having someone she believes she doesn’t deserve but still loves her unconditionally. Sadness for they are 300 miles away from each other.

In the end, the sadness would be overwhelming. But not for long…

Day 7 – Five pet peeves

Day 7 – Five pet peeves

 

Why only five? Haha. I admit it, I can be a high maintenance companion and I do have some pet peeves that can put be in a very awkward situation with other people.

1.  Repeating things

 

When I’ve said, I’ve said it. I can’t repeat it for more than three times. Or I get super duper annoyed. Like I want to shake you or just punch you in the face. You can’t make me repeat something I’ve said for more than two or three times. It puts my mood off.

 

2.  Asking me things and not believing my answer.

 

Like srsly? Why ask me in the first place? If you don’t trust me then ask somebody else. Don’t ask me.

 

3.  People who makes plans to do things together but never goes through at the end of the day

 

So like, everyone, right?

 

4.  People who thinks they have to lie to me

 

I would very much prefer for you to just tell me the truth, thank you very much. It would help show your remorse and that you have good intentions. I’m very accepting especially if you tell me the truth. I like honesty!

 

5.  Freeloaders with faces as thick as their asses

 

This is especially at the office. Like, it’s okay if you don’t have any money to contribute to the team lunches. Tell us and we’ll understand. Don’t make it seem like you’re not like that but you totally are. Like, I also don’t know what I’m saying. Hahaha. This specific one is mostly an annoyance to a specific person. I don’t like unfair people.

 

 

 

Day 6 – My views on mainstream music

Day 6 – Your views on mainstream music

 

I honestly don’t know what to say about mainstream music. What exactly is considered as mainstream music?

So according to urbandictionary.com, mainstream music is music that’s usually on the radio, Top 40 and is well known to the general public.

All right. Well that clears it up, doesn’t it?

Hmm, so mainstream music would be One Direction, Drake, Rihanna, The Chainsmokers, Ariana Grande, etc.?

I would think that music in the past year is much better than the previous years. Of course, there are still some that focuses on T&A’s but it’s much better now. It has meaning even though it’s not what it’s like before. I guess it focuses more on the beats and bass rather than the message. Compared to the previous years though, I think music is getting better again.

I only started listening to mainstream music when I started my job at Alorica. I focused my music genre on Big Bang before so it’s good to rediscover this stuff.

It’s catchy and all.

Day 5 – Things you want to say to an ex

Day 5 – Things you want to say to an ex

 

I don’t have an ex lol. I haven’t even considered other people I dated B.M. (Before Mc) as exes. But the challenge did not really specify ex-boyfriend. So I’ll be writing to an ex-almost.

Fuck you. It was one thing to stain what we almost had but it’s entirely different when you betrayed my trust. I trusted you with personal things about me. What hurts is the fact that I thought that maybe, even if we couldn’t take whatever what we had to the next level, you would still have some sort of respect in me. That you would still value the friendship we had. That was enough for me but you proved that wrong last week.

You are by far, the most vile human being I have ever met. I’ve met a lot of people but you had no conscience. I just want to shake you and ask you what the hell is wrong with you.

I just expected more from you as a friend. That’s it.

I can accept a lot of things but what you did was too much. It just showed me how wrong I am for trusting you. How I should’ve trusted myself when my gut was telling me that you are someone I was supposed to stay away from.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you fucked with that. You fucked with the people that gave you that. Try fixing yourself for a change. Like really, really fixing yourself. I hate you so damn much. But I don’t care anymore. You are just so, so awful. Rot in hell and I hope karma gets you good.